Looking at Clouds Through Clouded Vision

Half Done "Untitled"

2009-03-31T20:17:00.002-05:00

I can't do this
Anymore
Can't sit alone
As you walk out that door
To do God knows what
With God knows who
And leave all thoughts of me
In the shadows

No more "I'm Sorry"s
No more "But I Love You"s
No more wide, sad, lying eyes,
Baby take your lips
And kiss me goodbye

Those words you said
The ones you "didn't really mean"
They were the final straw
My heart can't take the pain of you
And now I'm the one walking out the door

No more "I'm Sorry"s
No more "But I Love You"s
No more wide, sad, lying eyes,
Baby take your lips
And kiss me goodbye

.1.

2008-12-13T18:20:00.002-06:00

As she set down her coffee and opened a new document, she had every intention of writing a story of hope, of happiness. Characters had been carefully developed, scenarios written out in detail, and an ending that could only be described as perfect planned. All she had to do was clean it up a little, put it together, and she would hopefully have something worthy to send out in the envelopes already addressed to publishers.
She quickly began clicking away, descriptions of places and people she could only ever imagine knowing. Making sure to add little quirks and nuances to make those in the story more real, she noticed that they seemed to be developing the personalities of people she knew- far from the perfect creatures she had mapped out. This didn't discourage her, but made her wonder if the flawless creation she had been working diligently on for months was really as wonderful as originally thought.
After 75 pages quickly flew by, she decided that it was about time to proofread. She almost could not believe the repulsiveness she found herself reading. Had she really written this? It seemed more like a poorly written Teen Romance book than the prodigious story she had planned. Rubbing her eyes out of frustration, she groaned out loud, ad reached over for her cigarettes.
Starring off into space, she wondered where she went wrong. She knew deep inside that the talent was in her, that she had a story to give to the world, but apparently it wasn't the one she thought it was. Now all she had to do was figure out what was.
Deciding that fresh air might help clear her head, she pulled on her shoes, put on her headphones, and ventured out into the world. Even with the drums pulsing against her eardrums, and the bass line so heavy she could feel it in her head, she took in the world around her, looking for inspiration and details. Children playing in their yards, mothers planting flower beds, fathers washing cars, and dogs chasing their tails. Simple, mundane, yet real aspects of life that she hadn't thought of when plotting her tale of the perfect life.
As she continued on her journey, the landscape changed. She saw teenagers hanging out around a car, one young girl vogueing to whatever sounds were coming out of the speakers. A little further on, peering down an alley, she saw two men, huddled together near a dumpster. She couldn't tell what they were up to, but it was no doubt something that wouldn't have any place in the original narrative she had created.
A young man, standing near an abandoned warehouse, playing a battered acoustic guitar, caught her eye. His hair was falling into his eyes, and he attempted to smile as he sang for the people who passed, some throwing spare change his way. She stopped to watch him, taking off her headphones to experience everything he was giving to his not so captive audience. Immediately she was drawn into him. The sound flowing from the dilapidated instrument seemed impossible. Golden notes seemed to hang in the air as his fingers swiftly shifted over the strings. He was humming along with the melody, occasionally singing a few words. His voice was raw and imperfect. Slowly she took in the details of the boy, from his worn sneakers and fraying jeans, to the faded t-shirt that was too small and washed out flannel shirt that was too big. His hair was dark and choppy- an obvious self given cut, but it fit perfectly with his oval shaped face. His lips were uneven- the bottom was larger than the top, but you couldn't tell when he smiled- which also caused the corners of his eyes to curl up, losing their wideness. The blue orbs that peered out at her seemed inconceivable. The first thought that crossed her mind were that they were the same color as the water in Monet's Water Lilies. So dark and deep, she was lost in them, not realizing he had finished his song until he cleared his throat and looked up at the sky, a slight blush crossing his face.

But the day pressed on like crushing weights, For no man does it ever wait, Like memories of dying days, That deafen us like hurricanes...

2008-10-24T15:50:00.003-05:00

Can anyone take the weight of the world off my shoulders?
I can feel my bones begining to break.
Who can stop the flooding of affliction that has permeated throughout this week?
I can feel my lungs growing heavy, as I struggle not to drown.
Who can keep the impetuous emotions from causing more than punctures in my head and in my heart?
I can feel the unknown weapon digging deeper with each thrust.

I feel very weak and vulnerable right now. I hate this feeling. I feel powerless as I watch the world crumble around me for so many, and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to stop it.
Maybe if I exile myself from everything for the next 48 hours, I'll be able to cope a little better on Monday.

Ramblings

2008-09-24T21:56:00.003-05:00

You're like a book with no title
Giving me no clue as to what I'll find
Once I look inside

But you leave me hanging
On ever last word
Wanting more, needing more
I just can't let you go

Pieces of you slip through my fingers
As the last word leads to a new page
But each memory stays etched in my head
I get lost inside of you
Yet, I feel something's been left unsaid

Nearing the final chapter
I'm not ready for this to be over
So many things left unanswered
Not looking forward to
The End

...I Brought Down The Sky For You But All You Did Was Shrug, You Gave My Emptiness Away...

2008-09-24T21:42:00.005-05:00

Tonight, you came in late again
No smile comes my way
You slowly crept along the floor
Hit the showers before I could count to ten

Lie next to me without a sound
I can barely hear you breathing
But I can feel your heart pound
And once again, for love I miss,
My heart beings grieving

The petty secrets that you keep
The half truths you give are more than a little steep
And I can't tell the truth from a line
I can see the darkness in your eyes
When you tell me everything is just fine

...And The Pain Still Hates Me, So Hold Me, Until It Sleeps...

2008-09-18T21:09:00.002-05:00

I'm becoming complacent with life,
And it's kind of scary.
But enjoyable at the same time.
I'm learning that it's okay to love what you have,
Even if it's not completely what you want.
Not everything turns out happily ever after,
I'm pretty sure the world would be boring if it did.
The relationships that I do have mean the world to me,
Though they haven't all formed as I had hoped.
And it's okay.
I'm okay.
I'd much rather have the people that I do around me in any capacity
Than not at all.
The little bits of time I spend with them are better than not having them in my life Ever.

I thank you all- you are the reasons I am still here, the reasons that I strive to be better.
When you're not looking, I steal bits and pieces from each of you to piece myself together, to fill in the cracks.
And while I'm still not quite whole, I'm getting there and finding myself.

There's a plague inside of me, Eating at my disposition, Nothing's left

2008-08-28T08:37:00.002-05:00

2 day old make up
And 25 year old dreams
You make think you can see me
But nothing's as it seems.

I live mostly as an open book
But many things are hidden
You'll have to read between the lines
To find the truth within.

We're human shapes burned on concrete walls, These days the sun don't shine here anymore...

2008-08-24T18:31:00.003-05:00

Some days, there's nothing left to give but honest words,
And what little of myself I have left to sacrifice.
I hide away in my 10x10 cell and let the world revolve without me.
No one notices I'm not there.
I can try to make an appearance, and I'm in the way
I can't give them what they want, because they've already drained me.
I'm told I'm selfish for being upset.
So I exist on water and sleep alone,
So everyone else has what they need.
No chance to be self-serving when everyone else is in need.
I don't even get the comfort of dreams anymore.
Sleep is for everyone else,'s
No matter how tired I get.
If they wanted my blood, I'd probably puncture the wound myself,
Just to get them to leave me alone.

Everywhere I turn, someone wants something from me.
All I want to do is let these tears fall,
But I might disrupt someone else's smile, so I hold them in.

My thoughts are all I have left that are all mine.
And, as scattered as they are,
I gladly share them with you.

And Everyone Wonders Why I Let My Dreams Fade Away With The Morning Light...

2008-08-17T12:57:00.003-05:00

Not pretty enough
Not smart enough
Not tall enough
Not thin enough
Not talented enough
Not quiet enough
Not girly enough
Not organized enough
Not sane enough
Not friendly enough
Not compassionate enough
Not outgoing enough
Not focused enough
Not attentive enough
Not good enough

Too lazy
Too messy
Too tomboyish
Too daydreamy
Too fat
Too loud
Too wild
Too inattentive
Too random
Too strange

When you've heard these things almost every day of your life, even when you're hoping for something good to happen, it's hard not to believe them.
Thanks for all of the non encouragement, and tearing me down just a little further than I already was today.

I wonder how many times she's heard this...

She's not a size 2, she has more tattoos than I do, she's gone through a lot of what I have, and she's still come out on top. I don't know how she's done it.

Don't pull me down, this is where I belong, I think I'm different, but I'm the same and I'm wrong

2008-08-01T07:26:00.002-05:00

Eyes burining red.
A sign of the restless night before.
Where answers were searched for,
But nothing was found.
Questions of past decisions
Battled new found peace of mind.
Former mistakes cause me to be
Held in this isolated state.
Trying to find a pious place
Something to fill my incomplete soul.

Wake up it's time, We need to find a better place to hide, Make up your mind, I need to know I need to know tonight

2008-07-26T21:15:00.004-05:00

And when we're lying in our bed of dirt,
Our regrets won't matter at all.
Nothing left but the shells of ourselves,
That protected our souls while we roamed the Earth.
Our past mistakes will be erased,
And only pleasant memories remain.
And I shall always think of you,
Just like I did before I went into the light.

More old stuff

2008-07-20T14:52:00.002-05:00

Dim the lights,
Lock the door,
Spread your pictures upon the floor.
Wipe the dust off of our past.
When it all starts coming back,
It aint easy being strong.
And when I can't forget your gone,
I just surrender,
And have myself a night......to remeber

Every light in the house is on,
The back yards bright as the early dawn,
Front yard looks like run way lights,
Almost like noon in the dead of night,
Every light in the house is on,
Just in case you ever do get tired of being gone.
Every light in the house is on.

2008-07-20T14:40:00.003-05:00

Rhyming is lame

2008-07-17T14:11:00.004-05:00

A million miles between us,
And a million words were said.
A millions tears have fallen
As the scene replayed in my head.
I bare all the burden,
Of all your past mistakes.
You're the one who's still running around,
And my life's the one at stake.
But now no longer,
Do these thoughts remain.
And no, I don't want you to explain.
I'm glad it's done, and I'm the one who's won,
Because I'll never have to see you again.

This is probably the worst thing I've EVER WRITTEN.
But, I had the urge to purge words.

2008-07-09T13:26:00.001-05:00

I want to be the one you land on
When you're playing spin the bottle with your heart.

You say "Hey, I Never Fall", as you're falling down. Your blood is all around you now, but you see nothing at all.

2008-05-21T08:37:00.002-05:00

Friendship is never a static thing.
And words are like fabric softener,
Nothing sticks together once the right amount of things are said.

Being a good person does not include giving away someone's personal life as a form of entertainment on the internet. Conversations between two confidantes should not be made public. Especially when the one doing the spewing claims to be a best friend of the one being spewed on.
We're all guilty of looking at gossip blogs, reading all of the he-said-she-said on the internet. But we never really stop and think how the person being discussed feels, knowing that their life is under a microscope, being studied by people they don't know.
Now that this has happened to me (and I'm sure will continue to happen), I have more sympathy for those who are constantly scruitinized.

2008-02-08T22:08:00.001-06:00

Oh I've finally decided my future lies beyond the yellow brick road

2008-01-30T07:11:00.000-06:00

Add another pill to the arsenal.
My cabinets are an ever growing army.

Can't wait to escape- even if it's only for a day.
There will be dancing, and singing, and general jackass-ery all around.

If only Johnny could have opened up his heart...

2008-01-18T07:28:00.000-06:00

They don't know what I do when the silence surrounds me.
When everyone's gone to bed, and I'm still roaming the halls,
Sitting on the bathroom floor, or in the corner of my room.
Lining all the little yellow bottles up in a row,
By size and by amount.
The smile the next day covers the desperation of the night before.
The words do nothing but lie.

2007-12-31T11:18:00.000-06:00

Always on the verge of tears
The edge of the cliff grows closer and closer

I am done, this is it, I'm going away, with a wind, That's taking me to a place, It's different than here*

2007-12-10T11:46:00.000-06:00

Morning sickness...
sign of giving birth to a new "era" of sorts.
Lack of sleep and chewed fingernails fill my nights
and lackluster eyes and inattentivness, my days.
Withdrawing and reconnecting.
Trying to get into the holiday spirit.
It's hard when there is so much to be unthankful for.
Someone always leaves me this time of year.
Maybe this year, it'll be me.

*PROMISE OF REDEMPTION
"The Fallbacks Of A Bad Attitude"
.....Get Into It.....

Are your secrets where you left them? Cause now your ghosts are mine as well. I think it's time I met them and I think it's time you tell

2007-09-24T19:04:00.000-05:00

This happiness scares the shit out of me (oh so eloquently put.)
I'm not used to the lack of sorrow and racing thoughts,
The absence of meaningless anger and angst.
This past weekend was filled with colored chalk drawings, cupcakes and rainbows.
I guess that makes me a normal mom.
For once.
Finally?
I guess the little peach pills work pretty damn well.

You should all listen to Sugarplum Fairy.
Freaking Swedish bands are fucking amazing.

/the most unoriginal post ever.

Copy all cats and acrobats, I know you don’t play fair, Slinging sickness through the atmosphere, Without a care

2007-09-20T12:26:00.000-05:00

Been keeping all thoughts to myself.
Selfish girl.
Expecting things to fall apart keeps me from building false hope too high.
When you anticipate things to come, time that usually flies by is like a cigarette- just drags.
The next 3 years will be an eternity.
Need batteries to hear- everything people say falls on deaf ears.
I understand life in only the most fundamental of ways.
Mission: Impossible heart.
Hopes and dreams are mirrors ,shattered by the unforgiving fist that is life.
Teeth-gritting, fist-clenching jealousy over those who have the freedom I gave up for the love of my life. But, I wouldn't change a thing.

Born a Capricorn with the soul of a Sagittarius, looking for my Aquarius.

Dissociative

2007-07-28T22:24:00.000-05:00

I don't remember writing that last blog.
But, I assume I did, since it's there.

Officially Bipolar. Whatever that means.
Involves new meds, more meds, and a psychiatrist and his dog.
Quite the combination.

Looking at old pictures gives me a small slice of happiness, something I'm in short supply of.
Jade eyes become more jaded every day.
Tired of complaining and being tired.
Can't stand the sour taste left in my mouth by all of the "I Love You"'s that have been held in for so long, having no one to say them to.
Loneliness is a bitter pill to swallow, and I'm about to overdose.

This life is two sizes too small.
I feel like a bird in a cage with clipped wings and an open cage door, looking longinly at the open window across the room. Accidentally taunted by freedom and flight.

The Ends Never Justify The Means... It Just Means The End

2007-07-20T11:19:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time.
But, I'm not of the mind to write the words that aren't in my mind.
I've been blank space lately. Billboard for nothing.
The starless skies have taken over the long nights, and I can't make wishes that won't come true anyways.
I should be royalty- my heart's so blue that my blood is changing colors.
I live in a fairytale world- disenchanted village. broken magic mirrors. prince charming locked in a tower I haven't found yet.

If scars are stories, my skin's right up there with The Odyssey.

Don't Think I'll Let This One Go

2007-07-06T21:35:00.000-05:00

Disappointed and disenchanted with you.
I gave you a chance, and you dropped me further down than I've ever been.
I'm over it. Over you.

exit stage right

2007-07-02T22:54:00.000-05:00

I should be in a self induced coma right now. But rest doesn't come to the restless.
I'm losing every little thing I ever had- either selling it, throwing it away, or shoving it into a dark corner. And I don't just mean possessions.
I don't understand. Why won't anything help me? I try and try and I can't ever find any type of solace for longer than a few weeks. I'm not complaining about the lack of normalcy. I just want stability. If my mind and emotions would stop fighting with each other and my chemicals would balance, life would be much better for us.
I don't want to fit it. And I don't want people to lie to me. I just want to be myself and have that be enough. I don't expect any more from anyone else. And I'm not going to lie about my accomplishments or the many times I've faultered to make myself appear to be something you might like. I am who I am- the not-so-much-a-girl(anymore) who can't grow up and act like an adult, who still cuts and doesn't know if she'll be able to stop, who wants to die more often than not, who really wishes she never moved away from her home, who cries herself to sleep when she sleeps more than she'll ever admit, who KNOWS she needs to seek help, but can't bring herself to do it, who wants to feel something- anything- so badly she's almost willing to give up the finite amount of self respect she has, who knows she's not ever going to find love, who knows she's not a good mother, who can't seem to pay attention to anything going on except the world in her head (which is growing more complicated by the day), who just wants to pack a bag and leave everything and everyone behind, if only she had the courage, WHO JUST WANTS TO GIVE UP.

I just want to fade away.

and you shall be my victim.

2007-06-30T16:37:00.000-05:00

I fully expect you to save me.

I thought you should know.

I have made more than my fair share of mistakes. I guess I should have left some for everyone else. All of my thoughts are just fraudulent emotions. I'm only great in my own weakness. I am a joke (and I'm not laughing.)
Complete lack of capacity for human emotion.
Written and Read. Seen by someone else, known by someone else other than me because my own words are failing me, trying to make me fail and tear me down and cut off my air supply. It’s internal sabotage - I’m positive - subconscious internal sabotage.

3am thoughts at noon

2007-06-24T11:21:00.000-05:00

Half heartedly thinking about doing things I said I would never do.
Getting too old to play this lonely game anymore.
Just want to feel.
Even if it's regret.

Lazily hyperactive.
So much to do and not enough willingness to do anything.

What meant the world imploded, inflated then demoted all my oxygen to produce gas and suffocated my last chance

2007-06-18T07:37:00.000-05:00

Seeking attention from all the wrong people in all the wrong places in all the wrong way at all the wrong times.
Feels like everything is coming to a head. And mine doesn't function to get me out of this mess. Feeling worthless and being told as much makes the days long and the nights longer. No rest for the wicked (witch of the west).
Anticipating fall(ing). Everything will be better when the leaves change. Winds changing, sending everything into a new direction. Hopefully my life will take hold and float into a different airstream.
You used my line, the one I wrote a week ago, but I'm not going to let it stop me, seeing as you'd never know. Undermedicated and underwhelmed.
I'm not looking for a chemical euphoria. Just one that's real. One that lasts past the fading bass line and the lights going up. One I can feel forever.
Fighting back blue tears as the lights change from green to red. I prefer red. Everything stops rushing around me when it's red. Maybe if I had something to rush to, I'd like green better.
I don't like to blend into the crowd. Apparantly, I don't.
Sometimes I wish I could be happy with normalcy.

2007-06-10T23:02:00.000-05:00

Addiction to fake chemical reactions

The stars haven't moved me in awhile
Nothing seems to touch me
And No one

Very little makes my insides leap
Even less makes my shell shine

2007-06-07T22:02:00.001-05:00

Call and leave you tipsy cryptic messages.
Hope they make your ears bleed.

The details of what you're missing
Hurt more than the phantom bruises I no longer bare.

This happy evil urge to cause you misery
Sprouted from nowhere.

I <3 REVENGE

Nontitled Post Here

2007-05-27T00:10:00.000-05:00

It's 12:11 am
Insomnia has set in again.
I'm an hour late exactly
To make a wish of any kind.
Not that it would come true
But sometimes it gives me hope
Which I severely need.

I know there are people I could call
Someone to amuse me while my mind wastes away a little more.
I should be getting my weekly text message sometime between now and 4 am.
I almost think if it doesn't come I'll be a little sad.
Whenever you get used to something is when it disappears
And no matter how odd it may seem
You miss it when it's not there.

Missing new friends
The ones who said we were meant to meet
Are no longer there
They duck and swerve and avoid
And put me off.
It really sucks when people change and become all the things
You never expected they could be.

The key to enlightenment is overcoming dualism without substituting it with monoism.
Guess I'll never be Zen.

In researching Gnosticism, I came across Marcion.
Check him out. Totally off the wall. Year 144- glad I wasn't alive then.

I'm rambling.
I'm through

23 days

2007-05-22T10:21:00.000-05:00

Home is where the heart aches
For not so long ago memories and people and places
For new memories on the horizon
Constantly there is, in my mind,
Something about nothing turning into everything

Not everyone is made to be history makers
But we can all make our mark on history
If only for a few to vaguely remember

Haven't been in this dwelling for more than 14 hours
Already ready to leave
So sad, baby

I do miss Little Man when I'm gone
But I feel like I'm missing so much when I'm not going

Torn.

Stranger than non fiction

2007-05-21T13:54:00.000-05:00

There’s just so much going on with me, and I’m scared of the truth.
And I’m scared of rejection.
You can say you love me all you want
But you don't love me the way I need you to love me
No one does. Or has. Or will.
Gravitational pull is pulling my mind down.
Even if the axis was to change, I don't think the direction would change.
Drifting in and out of thoughts of suicide, swimming in all too familiar sea of inaction and guilt.
Deeply rooted insecurities growing taller every day.

Homesick of home... even though I don't know where it is.
Getting on an iron bird soon.
Hopefully it doesn't have broken wings.

Super Rad@

2007-05-19T09:55:00.001-05:00

If these show up ANYWHERE online, I will hunt you down and murder you.
You have been warned.
These are mine, and mine alone. I've decided to be nice and share them with FRIENDS- FRIENDS ONLY! Leave them HERE! Don't go to tiny pic and upload them to another site, don't share the link with YOUR friends.
If this happens, You're gone, and I will take them down and you'll ruin it for everyone else.
They aren't the greatest videos, but they're MINE.

Hum Hallelujah

Beat It:

Golden:

Saturday:

Rock, DJ!

2007-05-19T09:25:00.000-05:00

If these show up ANYWHERE online, I will find you and murder you.
You have been warned.

Wonderwall:

Sweet Escape:

Sweet Child O' Mine:

Girls, Girls, Girls (from above)

Cupid's Chokehold:

Pour Some Sugar On Me:

White Rapper:

S.T.A.R.I.N.G.- I can't stop staring

2007-05-14T14:18:00.000-05:00

It's been forever-
I haven't had much to say.
I still don't.
The ones and twos are back on, baby!
I'll be the one, who will be my number two?

Don't know if it's the adrenaline or the meds or the sunshine I've been injesting,
But all my problems seem smaller.
Like the pants I bought the other day.

My shell is here, but my soul is 650 miles away.
Guess it caught an earlier flight.
Perma-plastered smile gives me away.
Can't wait to blow this pop stand [up].

I always wanted to get away from Milwaukee.
Now, I can't wait to get away to it.
Funny how the tables are turned once you reach the other side
And see that the grass is the same fucking shade-
Only not quite the same.

Bad analogies are my best friend-
You should send them a friend request.

Who Needs A Clever Title Anyways?

2007-05-10T12:17:00.000-05:00

I exist on music, polluted air, diet pills and lithium.
I haven't injested much else since Tuesday night.
I don't really need anything else.
6 days until I get away and out of my head.
This is going to be my lost weekend.
Hopefully, I find my way back.
Hopefully I don't lose myself completely.
Hold on to your hat, Mr. Toad...
It's going to be a wild ride.

The Girl With The Thorn In Her Brain

2007-05-08T14:07:00.000-05:00

She stares at the page-
So White and Pure
Wanting to defile it
With scribbles resembling words and slashes and heartache.
Her mind held together with pharmaceutical bandages
And nicotine and choruses.

But everynight the nightmares and tremors come,
Clawing their way through the drug induced haze,
Tearing away at her sanity.

She wants to be the paper's nightmare.
Wanting to make it unblanaced and imperfect, and
She wants to make the pages understand.

She wants someone to understand.

You say you know me, but you have no clue what my dreams could show you...

2007-05-04T08:34:00.000-05:00

Another day where the bed seems safer than the life I am about to encounter.
Terrified to move the blanket
It protects me from the crashing world.
Not wanting to put on the clothes
They don't fit (my personality).
Dependant on no one but the pharmacist.
And I think the pills make me more subdued
And crazier all at once.
Antimanic my ass.
I don't want to talk at all
Because the heartache and lonliness flow out of my mouth
Like floodgates releasing rain water after a storm.

"And darkness is fading in, and darkness is real..."

The Paper Clips Are In Place To Keep Me From Falling To Pieces

2007-05-01T11:17:00.000-05:00

People acting like you have 3 heads is unnerving.

I'm sorry you feel I let you down.
I'm sorry you're upset that I am doing other things instead.
I just couldn't go through with the plans we had.
Time, Money, and Emotions all come into play.

I Want To Get Away...I Want To Fly Away....

2007-05-01T08:33:00.000-05:00

I want to leave and never come back.
Take everything with me
Leave it all behind.

I feel like I'm losing hope in those who I had so much hope invested in.
When the ones you trust are the ones you need are the ones that begin to lack in compassion
Things become all turned around.

Run, Run, Runaway Run.
Maybe some day you'll find someone...

I find myself pulling away again.
I do this all the time.
I saturate myself with people and then just want to be alone.

I hope that by quitting eating things with faces,
I'll be able to stand looking at mine a little more.

Of Pretty Sights And Chandelier Skies

2007-04-30T19:16:00.000-05:00

Every Day, The Face Is Different-
A Different Color, A Different Disguise.
But The Sadness Is Always Given Away
By The Black Rimmed Eyes-
Sometimes Glassy From Self Medication.
Everything They Look At,
Searching For Perfection.
Wide When In A Manic State,
Heavy When They Realize How Much
Is On Life's Plate.
The Color Painted Over Them
Changes By The Day.
But The Pale, Sad Green
Tells Everyone She's Not Okay.

theanswerswrittenonmyheart.
nowifonlysomeonecoulddeceiferthecode.

Party On, Wayne... Party On, Garth..

2007-04-27T08:07:00.001-05:00

19 days
Peter Pan on the ones and twos
So scene, baby

Must formulate a plan
To get me inside
And outside my head

People you don't know can be the most amazing people in the world
I've met quite a few
Though not face to face
In the last few weeks.

OCK is love

Shining Star, How You've Fallen So Far...

2007-04-24T12:10:00.000-05:00

Saw the doctor.
She was in a chipper mood.
Didn't like what I told her
or showed her.
Gave me a new script
Something to stop the forced smiles
And maybe making the ones the camera captures real.

Exactly how the anitmanic agent works is unknown.
Always comforting.
Putting something inside that no one knows how it works or why or what it will do.
"Helps you cope with the problems of living"
If only a pill could really solve all the problems with being alive.

More Than Words..

2007-04-24T07:40:00.000-05:00

"You are the most disgusting person in the world..."

I love you, too, mommy dearest....

I'm Not Your Mirror, But I'm A Reflection Of Your Words...

2007-04-23T08:50:00.000-05:00

The last few days have been hell.
You made me feel worthless with your eyes pressing,
Forming bruises on my mind.
Your words scalding,
Scarring more than than my heart.
I'll never be able to heal
Because you'll never be able to understand.

I make my own decisions- that's part of being an adult.
And though you find some of them childish
You shouldn't care as long as I'm happy
And everything is taken care of.

I took the scissors and chop chopped away
At more than the hair.
It made me happy but pissed you off.
Told me it looked like shit, and to shave it off.
Well, darling, if my hair is an extention of myself
and you think it looks like shit,
What do you think of me?
I don't think I want the answer.
Would only cause the healing time to extend.

Emotions balanced with an even tempered, staunch friend...

2007-04-19T07:59:00.000-05:00

She sat at the same bench everyday.

Sometimes she ate- usually she didn't.

Always writing, but none of it ever means anything.

(not to anyone else anyway)

People walked past her everyday.

Sometimes glancing back- usually not.

She wasn't much to look at anyways,

Besides the clothes that were either dark or didn't match

And the black hair that was always whipping in every direction the wind directed it on the days that were windy.

Same keys, same bag, same journal, same music everyday.

The music made her feel better-

It got into her skull, pulsing, pounding, and soothing.

It worked better than the 12 pills she took a everyday, if she only took 12, ever did.

This was her favorite part of the day everyday.

No one asking her for anything.

No one making sure she was okay.

Nothing to distract her from doing whatever she wanted-

Which was usually just to write.

Even if it's dark and depressive,

Happy and light,

or complete nonsense,

She always wanted to write down every thought in her head.

It helped to clear out all the words that filled her mind-

Words that people who want to care don't understand.

Words that would terrify most people-

Normal people, she supposed.

Sitting, filling page after page.

Sometimes with nothing

Sometimes with letters that would never be seen by the person they were written to

Poems of unrequited love and bits and pieces of songs-

Some of her own lyrics and some by others.

Lists, drawings

None of it ever fit together if you tried to look at it as a whole composition.

Yes, this was her favorite time of the day everyday.

Even though there was never anyone to share it with.

That was fine.

That's how she liked it.

Don't be too trusting in your rejection of dreams

2007-04-18T19:35:00.000-05:00

Today I feel like a weed.
In the middle of nowhere
No real purpose
Just there-here-
In the way.

It's cloudy again
In the sky and in my mind.
It seems the sunshiney days are long gone
and few and far between.
If you're planning on spending any length of time outside (with me)
Bring an umbrella-
You never know when the clouds are going to break.

I listen to the words
But as hard as I
"try to forget how it feels inside"
I just can't seem to.
Even the rainbow pills can't seem to make the light come back.
I only injest them to make everyone else happy anyways.
I don't think my brain has any
Original chemicals left.

A penny for your thoughts
I'd have to pay you a million dollars to listen
I'd pay more to find someone who understands.

I don't think that my problem is that I'm completely hopeless
But overly hopeful.
Things that seem good usually are too good to be true
and crash like waves
Causing me to sink beneath the surface
No lifeguard on duty.

Black eyeliner smudged over pale, teary eyes
Hide the cracks.
Hoodie as my coat of armor
Pen as my sword.
I'll fight the world
With my words
That they'll never see.
Of course, now the sun comes out
Making the fresh cut grass smell amazing.
Lighting up my face
My skin warmer than my hearts been in a long time.
And now, I have to run and hide.
Back into the dungeon I go.

Been living in a world of invisible people
Guess that makes me invisible, too
But in the invisible, digital world
I feel like someone.

It Gets So Easy To Narrow These Eyes

2007-04-17T13:07:00.000-05:00

Looking back hurst
And moving forward seems too hard
And I'm stuck in the middle
It's not a happy median.

I think my mind is playing Scatagories today.
Everything is connected somehow
But when I try to put the thoughts together
I can't make any kind of sense.

Walked and got lunch.
Can't bring myself to eat it.

Candy hearts remind me of my own-
Sweet, but no one wants them.
I guess the messages on them don't mean anything.

28 days
I'm flying off to NeverNever land
Going to see Peter Pan, Patrick Panda, and the Lost Boys.
Maybe I'll find some pixie dust
Life would be magickal again.

It Sucks Me In But Won't Spit Me Out

2007-04-15T17:00:00.000-05:00

Their opinions don't matter
Don't listen to a word they say
Their opinions don't matter
I say these words every day

No matter how many times
I repeat it to myself
It never sinks in
Only sinks to the bottom

The glances give them away
Eyes telling me the whole story
I try not to look
But they burn right through me

Late nights sitting alone
Isolated even though everyone's home
Their words unspoken
Slip into my mind
And slide the blade into my hand
Cutting deeper than it ever could

Taking it all away
Taking them all away
Taking them all away

Their opinions don't matter
Don't listen to a word they say
Their opinions don't matter
I say these words every day
Repeat these words every day
Repeat these actions every day.

2007-04-09T15:03:00.000-05:00

Skin burns like fire-
(noteventhetearscanputitout)
Against the soft material
Heart no longer aflame
I guess some part of me has to feel.

Piece It Back Together

2007-04-09T14:53:00.000-05:00

Staple my shoes back together-
Wearing thin
Can't come up with the cost
Of a new soul.

BREAKING: Some Old News...

2007-04-03T08:27:00.000-05:00

Here are some old entries from Myspace...
I've decided to take them off of there and put them here.
Unless you know me well, there is no reason for you to read anything I write.
So there...
**
Words From The Unwise
*me
04/02/07
A few snippets of journal entries....
Looking for the man-
Not the one to hold my hand,
But the one with the gun
He's comin' 'round to take care of my problems, you see
To kill the pain of the day
Gonna throw my soul in the trunk and drive away
Take it to the cliff and throw me over.
**
Watch my downfall for free-
There's no extra charge to kick me when I'm down
The entertainment value
Is the only value I have.
Come on and have a laugh and a poke
And leave me lying here in the dirt.
**
This skin that seems so thick
Can't hold it all in
So make the incision
And let the pain flow
Crimson
**
Silence burns more bridges
Than flaming verbs ever could.
**When you're done drawing your conclusions of me
The image on the page is sketchy
Like the details you have of me
And is only what I appear to be
Nothing like the real me
You've missed the hidden scars
And the black and blue tears
Behind the pale green eyes.
**
I've fallen off the edge of reason
It's a long way down
Nothing to break the fall as I hit the rock bottom of my mind.
It's a dark place down there
and
You're not there with a match
To light the flame in my heart.
**
There are no words for this
Because I don't know what it is
Tearing at me inside
While I tear away at the outside.
**
Like Alice-
One pill makes you a zombie
The others do nothing at all
Take another and another
Until the dream ends.
Did it ever begin?
I think the whole thing was just
A midnight movie
The only way to end it Is to cut the real (reel)
**
Tears dissolve
The plaster mask
Put in place to hide
The emotion I can't explain
**
Keeping my head just above water
Seems impossible when life has turned into a riptide
Without warning from the radio.
**
Praying to find the valve
To let it seep out
While I sleep out
The effects
Of the rainbow in my veins
**
BRRR(n)
03/31/07
I started a fire last night
Or, infact, let out the one that has ben burning inside for so long.
Attacking the brush pile like a snake to a mouse-
Slithering slowly, then swallowing it whole
I burned away you-
(most of) your clothes
your letters I took the time to find
your flowers
your photos
If only I could burn everything you ever gave me
But then, I'd be alone
And parts of me wouldn't be able to function-
Not like they do now anyways.
None of it made me feel any better.Or worse.
Or anything at all.
It was just something to occupy the time between everyone else sleeping and waking up to ignore me.
Surely if I had the desire to expend the time to look, I could find more of you to destroy.
The way you destroyed me.
I'm over you- don't think about you
Unless He asks about you
Or "Nothing Else Matters"
Or nowAnd there are never any emotions besides anger
No sadness
No remorse
No pain
Not much hurts anymore.
*
Close
*me
03/31/07
Fell asleep in the grass, looking at the clouds through clouded vision
Woke up covered in dirt and bugs-
Must be what it's like to be buried alive.
Took a shower, trying to get clean-
Wash it away
Wash IT ALL AWAY.
The water hurt my skin-Burning, then spewing ice cubes
Still not feeling cleanliness.
My blue star seems to be fading-
Not even the ink wants to be close to me.

**
Like
*me
03/07/07
Shaking-
Repressed, depressed energy trying to escape
Only one release-
Worst friend, best friend, nightmare
Escape-A secret with myself
Disaster day, Saturday
The use is for making beauty
But not for me
You wish I would come to you
But you wouldn't understand
Don't want to burden you-
Disturb your happiness
Selfish me
Doesn't want pity
Just wants peace-
Inside and Out-
For one full day
Running is not an option
Tethers all around
Keeping me here
Sleep is not an option
Willing it to come only pushes it further away
Like everyone else
Like simple things
Like love
Like talent
Like stability

fin
**
I'm Sorry
*me
03/28/07
it's okay to breakdown.it's okay to get outside of your mind.but with you, don't try to drag all humankind.My phone has finally stopped ringing, and I thank *you* for that. I'd fight every battle for friends like you. No need for I'm sorrys.Your peace brought my ringtone to life, and I've since put it to bed.Wore itself out.libraries are meant to be quiet places.laughter is always best.hoping for silence tomorrow.not from us, but from the rest.I'm afraid I'll be the one to push the detonate button.And I don't want that on my shoulders.I'd ask to be beheaded to keep it away from my mind.I don't think I could ever deal with it.Terrified of the consequences of Myspace.
**
"Catch Me When I Fall"
*me
3/19/07
Just some random thoughts in my head this morning...
*Even if the mp3 player is dead, you can still wear it and dance around- then no one will realize that you are really dancing to the music in your head.
*Waking up at 12:30 just because your phone says you have a new message on Myspace is not weird... especially if it's from someone important.
*You will not have caffeine withdrawls when you quit drinking (soda) and coffee if the pills you take are filled with it- unbeknownst to you :)
*Saying no is the hardest thing.
*Concet tickets, sunglasses, or bail money, I'm always there for you.
*People who may get on your nerves are sometimes the most imporant people you will EVER meet...
*Caring about people you only somewhat know makes you human.
*Being selfish sometimes, when you always do everything for everyone makes you human.
*No matter how hard you try, you CAN'T be everything to everyone.
*People may be mad if you keep things from them, but sometimes, it better than unrealized lies spilling from swollen lips
**
The Pursuit of Happyness...
*me
03/18/07
Happiness is...
air making the new ink tingle
Polka Dot Pretty Princess Pixie Puppy collar
blue nailpolish
dancing like an idiot to sad songs
doofy Myspace pictures
Sherron driving with one hand
Green Great Grandma-made hats
nonsensical journal entries
writing songs in my head and actually getting them onto paper before they fly away
drawing blond lines in my hair at 7am- but then they dissapear
Juniper and Emmylou
sharing chocolate pie and mushing the remains like a heart on the plate with sprinkles
Aidan's innocent voice speaking with his Tennessee accent
guys in girl pants
late night talks of nothing
LOWERCASE LETTERS
watching cartoons all day
perfect smoke rings
being me
**
Bring It On
*me
04/26/07
You thought you could get away with it agin
You better check your math
Because I'm 24 now, not 10.
I fight back now, I won't sit and take it
You can swing at me all you want
But this time, I'm not gonna be the one who gets hit.
Haven't you learned by now that my Mom taught me to fight my battles well
I won't let you make my life any more of a living hell.
The scars that you give are never visible
Only bruises on my heart
But try this shit again and I'll tear your ass apart.
I've held back so many times before
But I'm not holding back anymore
You think you're the one with all the power
But I'm the one holding the keys
Next time you push me, you're gonna be the one saying
"No more, please!"
You bring out the worst side of me
And you're the one who's supposed to want the best
You've never given a damn about anything we do
Well, guess what, I can not give a damn, too
You won't slam me on the floor like when I was 7
You won't push my head through a window like when I was 10
And if you ever try that shit with him
You'll bring on your own end.
...and...

pin prick
a tiny thing that seems so small
and insignificant
who would have thought
could cause so much pain
bad trick
to make me laugh when i don't want to
and turn around and make me cry
without you're even trying
feel sick
in my heart
deep inside
where no one sees
where emotions hide
shutter click
the image of you
on the screen
blurred slightlylike when i look at you
through the tears
**
Secret Whispers
*me
04/23/07
Secret whispers
Turn into screams in my mind
When I don't know what the whispers are about.....

I need help fighting all the worldly forces that are attacking right now, and since the emotional barrier is down, I'm more vulnerable than ever.
Things are so confused right now, and hopefully the solution to the puzzle will come to light soon. I can only pray that it does. Quickly.
I apologize to everyone for being all wacked out lately...some of you know why, some of you don't, but whatever... Things will eventually calm down in my mind, hopefully, and I can get back to my normal, Wiggle Butt self.
Thanks to those who have been there the last 2 weeks or so...I really appreciate you letting me cry on your shoulders, knees, elbows and toes.... I love you all so much.

**
February Rain
*me
02/04/07
I wrote this on Saturday morning...
No longer a girl
But lost in this world
Trying to find her Faith
Something to make her feel safe
Sitting in the Church
Every word from the Pastors lips
Are silent reflections of her life
Bringing tears to her eyes
Wanting to feel Him in her heart
But never knowing where to start
Confusion fills her soul
Longing deep inside
Thinking she'll never find The Way
Wanting someone to help her Pray.
************************************************************************
And this one was from Today....
Open my eyes and look around
There's no one by my side
Don't want to throw the blankets off
It keeps me warm
Like you would if you were by my side
Another Lonely Day Today
It's Another Lonely Day Today
Too much creamer in my coffee
And 3rd cigarette of the day
My mind's on nothing I'm doing
Only filled with thoughts of you
Just like yesterday and everyday
Another Lonely Day Today
It's Another Lonely Day Today
Hours ticking slowly by
Until I see your face
Your smile fills my heart with light
Wanting your embrace
Nothing will ever come of this
I keep it to myself
A secret that will lie in my heart
And until the day when you truly see me
Another Lonely Day
it will forever be
Another Lonely Day Today
It's Another Lonely Day Today
**
/rant
*me
11/05/06

So, after almost no sleep, I have made some decisions... and while I am not going to post them here, I just wanted to let you all know that changes are going to be made. Certain things came to light while I was sitting and thinking, and others came while I slept fitfully for an hour and a half. A lot of things have become difficult for me in the last few days for one reason or another, and I need to accept that they are not going to change, and I must grow and deal with the way that things are. I have realized that it's better to have what you already have than to upgrade everything and risk loss. This is not something I've ever had to think about before, but now that I've pondered the pros and cons of going after certain things, I've now realized that it's better to not have those things change, because it could be for the worse, NOT the better.I've slipped back into some old (and not so old) habits, which I hope to be rid of this week. They've helped me cope with things, and I know it's not right to always turn to vices, but I really believe that without them, I would have been worse off than I have been. I do need to rid myself of these security blankets permanantly, and I will, but it's going to take time to get used to not having them around for comfort anymore. I just need to do it, though. Procrastination and whining never helped anyone./rant
**
Halloween
*me
10/31/06
I have this overwhelming sense of sorrow that is filling me. I can't shake it, and it's just making me feel drained.Everytime I make some progress, something throws me back, and I feel like I have to start all over again, and it just isn't fair. I'm tired of it.I am pretty sure it's the lonliness I'm succumbing to, and I'm trying not to. I have some AMAZING friends, but it's hard, seeing them with their "significant others" and I'm all alone in this world. It hurts. I don't want to hurt anymore.I feel like I just want to give up on the idea of companionship, but no matter how far I try to push it into my subconcious, it sticks in my mind all the time, causing misery. I put on my happy face, and greet the world, but underneath the plastic exterior, I'm falling apart. It just feels like my heart is whithering away...I'm sick of crying to myself, and hiding tears that I shouldn't have. I'm sick of wanting... wanting comfort and connection.I'm sick of having music being the last thing I hear before I fall asleep.I'm sick of being alone.
**
Have You?
*me
9/4/06
Did you ever have this pain
the one that the 'killers can't contain
The one deep inside your soul
the one that you just can't let go
*****
Have you ever longed
for something more
Something you cannot obtain
*****
Need takes over your mind
wanting something you cannot seem to find
Finding everything but what you need
you continue your search for answers
****
Lonliness fills the skies
sadness fills her eyes
He evades her
he holds the cure

**
"When I'm Through"
*by me
9/12/06
I don't have anything
Can't have anything
Won't have anythng
When you're through
Pieces of me
Lying on the floor
Shattered when I got
Slammed into the door
This time can't be fixed with a kiss
No, there's nothing that can fix this
I don't have anything
Can't have anything
Won't have anything
When you're through
Bruises forming
On my back
Evidence of your latest attack
More physical than verbal
Each one progressing
Soon I'll be lying there
Under the Father's Blessing
I don't have anything
Can't have anything
Won't have anything
When you're through
I sit in the darkness
Waiting for your arrival
The smooth steel
My only hope for survival
Waiting as you scream my name
Slamming, smashing
I hear your boots crashing
Door flys open
Lights flash on
You see me
And turn to run
But for once
I'm faster than you
One blast, two blasts
Flying through the air
You don't have anything
Can't have anything
Won't have anything
When I'm through
With you

**