BREAKING: Some Old News...

Here are some old entries from Myspace...
I've decided to take them off of there and put them here.
Unless you know me well, there is no reason for you to read anything I write.
So there...
**
Words From The Unwise
*me
04/02/07
A few snippets of journal entries....
Looking for the man-
Not the one to hold my hand,
But the one with the gun
He's comin' 'round to take care of my problems, you see
To kill the pain of the day
Gonna throw my soul in the trunk and drive away
Take it to the cliff and throw me over.
**
Watch my downfall for free-
There's no extra charge to kick me when I'm down
The entertainment value
Is the only value I have.
Come on and have a laugh and a poke
And leave me lying here in the dirt.
**
This skin that seems so thick
Can't hold it all in
So make the incision
And let the pain flow
Crimson
**
Silence burns more bridges
Than flaming verbs ever could.
**When you're done drawing your conclusions of me
The image on the page is sketchy
Like the details you have of me
And is only what I appear to be
Nothing like the real me
You've missed the hidden scars
And the black and blue tears
Behind the pale green eyes.
**
I've fallen off the edge of reason
It's a long way down
Nothing to break the fall as I hit the rock bottom of my mind.
It's a dark place down there
and
You're not there with a match
To light the flame in my heart.
**
There are no words for this
Because I don't know what it is
Tearing at me inside
While I tear away at the outside.
**
Like Alice-
One pill makes you a zombie
The others do nothing at all
Take another and another
Until the dream ends.
Did it ever begin?
I think the whole thing was just
A midnight movie
The only way to end it Is to cut the real (reel)
**
Tears dissolve
The plaster mask
Put in place to hide
The emotion I can't explain
**
Keeping my head just above water
Seems impossible when life has turned into a riptide
Without warning from the radio.
**
Praying to find the valve
To let it seep out
While I sleep out
The effects
Of the rainbow in my veins
**
BRRR(n)
03/31/07
I started a fire last night
Or, infact, let out the one that has ben burning inside for so long.
Attacking the brush pile like a snake to a mouse-
Slithering slowly, then swallowing it whole
I burned away you-
(most of) your clothes
your letters I took the time to find
your flowers
your photos
If only I could burn everything you ever gave me
But then, I'd be alone
And parts of me wouldn't be able to function-
Not like they do now anyways.
None of it made me feel any better.Or worse.
Or anything at all.
It was just something to occupy the time between everyone else sleeping and waking up to ignore me.
Surely if I had the desire to expend the time to look, I could find more of you to destroy.
The way you destroyed me.
I'm over you- don't think about you
Unless He asks about you
Or "Nothing Else Matters"
Or nowAnd there are never any emotions besides anger
No sadness
No remorse
No pain
Not much hurts anymore.
*
Close
*me
03/31/07
Fell asleep in the grass, looking at the clouds through clouded vision
Woke up covered in dirt and bugs-
Must be what it's like to be buried alive.
Took a shower, trying to get clean-
Wash it away
Wash IT ALL AWAY.
The water hurt my skin-Burning, then spewing ice cubes
Still not feeling cleanliness.
My blue star seems to be fading-
Not even the ink wants to be close to me.

**
Like
*me
03/07/07
Shaking-
Repressed, depressed energy trying to escape
Only one release-
Worst friend, best friend, nightmare
Escape-A secret with myself
Disaster day, Saturday
The use is for making beauty
But not for me
You wish I would come to you
But you wouldn't understand
Don't want to burden you-
Disturb your happiness
Selfish me
Doesn't want pity
Just wants peace-
Inside and Out-
For one full day
Running is not an option
Tethers all around
Keeping me here
Sleep is not an option
Willing it to come only pushes it further away
Like everyone else
Like simple things
Like love
Like talent
Like stability

fin
**
I'm Sorry
*me
03/28/07
it's okay to breakdown.it's okay to get outside of your mind.but with you, don't try to drag all humankind.My phone has finally stopped ringing, and I thank *you* for that. I'd fight every battle for friends like you. No need for I'm sorrys.Your peace brought my ringtone to life, and I've since put it to bed.Wore itself out.libraries are meant to be quiet places.laughter is always best.hoping for silence tomorrow.not from us, but from the rest.I'm afraid I'll be the one to push the detonate button.And I don't want that on my shoulders.I'd ask to be beheaded to keep it away from my mind.I don't think I could ever deal with it.Terrified of the consequences of Myspace.
**
"Catch Me When I Fall"
*me
3/19/07
Just some random thoughts in my head this morning...
*Even if the mp3 player is dead, you can still wear it and dance around- then no one will realize that you are really dancing to the music in your head.
*Waking up at 12:30 just because your phone says you have a new message on Myspace is not weird... especially if it's from someone important.
*You will not have caffeine withdrawls when you quit drinking (soda) and coffee if the pills you take are filled with it- unbeknownst to you :)
*Saying no is the hardest thing.
*Concet tickets, sunglasses, or bail money, I'm always there for you.
*People who may get on your nerves are sometimes the most imporant people you will EVER meet...
*Caring about people you only somewhat know makes you human.
*Being selfish sometimes, when you always do everything for everyone makes you human.
*No matter how hard you try, you CAN'T be everything to everyone.
*People may be mad if you keep things from them, but sometimes, it better than unrealized lies spilling from swollen lips
**
The Pursuit of Happyness...
*me
03/18/07
Happiness is...
air making the new ink tingle
Polka Dot Pretty Princess Pixie Puppy collar
blue nailpolish
dancing like an idiot to sad songs
doofy Myspace pictures
Sherron driving with one hand
Green Great Grandma-made hats
nonsensical journal entries
writing songs in my head and actually getting them onto paper before they fly away
drawing blond lines in my hair at 7am- but then they dissapear
Juniper and Emmylou
sharing chocolate pie and mushing the remains like a heart on the plate with sprinkles
Aidan's innocent voice speaking with his Tennessee accent
guys in girl pants
late night talks of nothing
LOWERCASE LETTERS
watching cartoons all day
perfect smoke rings
being me
**
Bring It On
*me
04/26/07
You thought you could get away with it agin
You better check your math
Because I'm 24 now, not 10.
I fight back now, I won't sit and take it
You can swing at me all you want
But this time, I'm not gonna be the one who gets hit.
Haven't you learned by now that my Mom taught me to fight my battles well
I won't let you make my life any more of a living hell.
The scars that you give are never visible
Only bruises on my heart
But try this shit again and I'll tear your ass apart.
I've held back so many times before
But I'm not holding back anymore
You think you're the one with all the power
But I'm the one holding the keys
Next time you push me, you're gonna be the one saying
"No more, please!"
You bring out the worst side of me
And you're the one who's supposed to want the best
You've never given a damn about anything we do
Well, guess what, I can not give a damn, too
You won't slam me on the floor like when I was 7
You won't push my head through a window like when I was 10
And if you ever try that shit with him
You'll bring on your own end.
...and...

pin prick
a tiny thing that seems so small
and insignificant
who would have thought
could cause so much pain
bad trick
to make me laugh when i don't want to
and turn around and make me cry
without you're even trying
feel sick
in my heart
deep inside
where no one sees
where emotions hide
shutter click
the image of you
on the screen
blurred slightlylike when i look at you
through the tears
**
Secret Whispers
*me
04/23/07
Secret whispers
Turn into screams in my mind
When I don't know what the whispers are about.....

I need help fighting all the worldly forces that are attacking right now, and since the emotional barrier is down, I'm more vulnerable than ever.
Things are so confused right now, and hopefully the solution to the puzzle will come to light soon. I can only pray that it does. Quickly.
I apologize to everyone for being all wacked out lately...some of you know why, some of you don't, but whatever... Things will eventually calm down in my mind, hopefully, and I can get back to my normal, Wiggle Butt self.
Thanks to those who have been there the last 2 weeks or so...I really appreciate you letting me cry on your shoulders, knees, elbows and toes.... I love you all so much.

**
February Rain
*me
02/04/07
I wrote this on Saturday morning...
No longer a girl
But lost in this world
Trying to find her Faith
Something to make her feel safe
Sitting in the Church
Every word from the Pastors lips
Are silent reflections of her life
Bringing tears to her eyes
Wanting to feel Him in her heart
But never knowing where to start
Confusion fills her soul
Longing deep inside
Thinking she'll never find The Way
Wanting someone to help her Pray.
************************************************************************
And this one was from Today....
Open my eyes and look around
There's no one by my side
Don't want to throw the blankets off
It keeps me warm
Like you would if you were by my side
Another Lonely Day Today
It's Another Lonely Day Today
Too much creamer in my coffee
And 3rd cigarette of the day
My mind's on nothing I'm doing
Only filled with thoughts of you
Just like yesterday and everyday
Another Lonely Day Today
It's Another Lonely Day Today
Hours ticking slowly by
Until I see your face
Your smile fills my heart with light
Wanting your embrace
Nothing will ever come of this
I keep it to myself
A secret that will lie in my heart
And until the day when you truly see me
Another Lonely Day
it will forever be
Another Lonely Day Today
It's Another Lonely Day Today
**
/rant
*me
11/05/06

So, after almost no sleep, I have made some decisions... and while I am not going to post them here, I just wanted to let you all know that changes are going to be made. Certain things came to light while I was sitting and thinking, and others came while I slept fitfully for an hour and a half. A lot of things have become difficult for me in the last few days for one reason or another, and I need to accept that they are not going to change, and I must grow and deal with the way that things are. I have realized that it's better to have what you already have than to upgrade everything and risk loss. This is not something I've ever had to think about before, but now that I've pondered the pros and cons of going after certain things, I've now realized that it's better to not have those things change, because it could be for the worse, NOT the better.I've slipped back into some old (and not so old) habits, which I hope to be rid of this week. They've helped me cope with things, and I know it's not right to always turn to vices, but I really believe that without them, I would have been worse off than I have been. I do need to rid myself of these security blankets permanantly, and I will, but it's going to take time to get used to not having them around for comfort anymore. I just need to do it, though. Procrastination and whining never helped anyone./rant
**
Halloween
*me
10/31/06
I have this overwhelming sense of sorrow that is filling me. I can't shake it, and it's just making me feel drained.Everytime I make some progress, something throws me back, and I feel like I have to start all over again, and it just isn't fair. I'm tired of it.I am pretty sure it's the lonliness I'm succumbing to, and I'm trying not to. I have some AMAZING friends, but it's hard, seeing them with their "significant others" and I'm all alone in this world. It hurts. I don't want to hurt anymore.I feel like I just want to give up on the idea of companionship, but no matter how far I try to push it into my subconcious, it sticks in my mind all the time, causing misery. I put on my happy face, and greet the world, but underneath the plastic exterior, I'm falling apart. It just feels like my heart is whithering away...I'm sick of crying to myself, and hiding tears that I shouldn't have. I'm sick of wanting... wanting comfort and connection.I'm sick of having music being the last thing I hear before I fall asleep.I'm sick of being alone.
**
Have You?
*me
9/4/06
Did you ever have this pain
the one that the 'killers can't contain
The one deep inside your soul
the one that you just can't let go
*****
Have you ever longed
for something more
Something you cannot obtain
*****
Need takes over your mind
wanting something you cannot seem to find
Finding everything but what you need
you continue your search for answers
****
Lonliness fills the skies
sadness fills her eyes
He evades her
he holds the cure

**
"When I'm Through"
*by me
9/12/06
I don't have anything
Can't have anything
Won't have anythng
When you're through
Pieces of me
Lying on the floor
Shattered when I got
Slammed into the door
This time can't be fixed with a kiss
No, there's nothing that can fix this
I don't have anything
Can't have anything
Won't have anything
When you're through
Bruises forming
On my back
Evidence of your latest attack
More physical than verbal
Each one progressing
Soon I'll be lying there
Under the Father's Blessing
I don't have anything
Can't have anything
Won't have anything
When you're through
I sit in the darkness
Waiting for your arrival
The smooth steel
My only hope for survival
Waiting as you scream my name
Slamming, smashing
I hear your boots crashing
Door flys open
Lights flash on
You see me
And turn to run
But for once
I'm faster than you
One blast, two blasts
Flying through the air
You don't have anything
Can't have anything
Won't have anything
When I'm through
With you

**