exit stage right

I should be in a self induced coma right now. But rest doesn't come to the restless.
I'm losing every little thing I ever had- either selling it, throwing it away, or shoving it into a dark corner. And I don't just mean possessions.
I don't understand. Why won't anything help me? I try and try and I can't ever find any type of solace for longer than a few weeks. I'm not complaining about the lack of normalcy. I just want stability. If my mind and emotions would stop fighting with each other and my chemicals would balance, life would be much better for us.
I don't want to fit it. And I don't want people to lie to me. I just want to be myself and have that be enough. I don't expect any more from anyone else. And I'm not going to lie about my accomplishments or the many times I've faultered to make myself appear to be something you might like. I am who I am- the not-so-much-a-girl(anymore) who can't grow up and act like an adult, who still cuts and doesn't know if she'll be able to stop, who wants to die more often than not, who really wishes she never moved away from her home, who cries herself to sleep when she sleeps more than she'll ever admit, who KNOWS she needs to seek help, but can't bring herself to do it, who wants to feel something- anything- so badly she's almost willing to give up the finite amount of self respect she has, who knows she's not ever going to find love, who knows she's not a good mother, who can't seem to pay attention to anything going on except the world in her head (which is growing more complicated by the day), who just wants to pack a bag and leave everything and everyone behind, if only she had the courage, WHO JUST WANTS TO GIVE UP.

I just want to fade away.