Dissociative

I don't remember writing that last blog.
But, I assume I did, since it's there.

Officially Bipolar. Whatever that means.
Involves new meds, more meds, and a psychiatrist and his dog.
Quite the combination.

Looking at old pictures gives me a small slice of happiness, something I'm in short supply of.
Jade eyes become more jaded every day.
Tired of complaining and being tired.
Can't stand the sour taste left in my mouth by all of the "I Love You"'s that have been held in for so long, having no one to say them to.
Loneliness is a bitter pill to swallow, and I'm about to overdose.

This life is two sizes too small.
I feel like a bird in a cage with clipped wings and an open cage door, looking longinly at the open window across the room. Accidentally taunted by freedom and flight.

The Ends Never Justify The Means... It Just Means The End

It's been a long time.
But, I'm not of the mind to write the words that aren't in my mind.
I've been blank space lately. Billboard for nothing.
The starless skies have taken over the long nights, and I can't make wishes that won't come true anyways.
I should be royalty- my heart's so blue that my blood is changing colors.
I live in a fairytale world- disenchanted village. broken magic mirrors. prince charming locked in a tower I haven't found yet.

If scars are stories, my skin's right up there with The Odyssey.

Don't Think I'll Let This One Go

Disappointed and disenchanted with you.
I gave you a chance, and you dropped me further down than I've ever been.
I'm over it. Over you.

exit stage right

I should be in a self induced coma right now. But rest doesn't come to the restless.
I'm losing every little thing I ever had- either selling it, throwing it away, or shoving it into a dark corner. And I don't just mean possessions.
I don't understand. Why won't anything help me? I try and try and I can't ever find any type of solace for longer than a few weeks. I'm not complaining about the lack of normalcy. I just want stability. If my mind and emotions would stop fighting with each other and my chemicals would balance, life would be much better for us.
I don't want to fit it. And I don't want people to lie to me. I just want to be myself and have that be enough. I don't expect any more from anyone else. And I'm not going to lie about my accomplishments or the many times I've faultered to make myself appear to be something you might like. I am who I am- the not-so-much-a-girl(anymore) who can't grow up and act like an adult, who still cuts and doesn't know if she'll be able to stop, who wants to die more often than not, who really wishes she never moved away from her home, who cries herself to sleep when she sleeps more than she'll ever admit, who KNOWS she needs to seek help, but can't bring herself to do it, who wants to feel something- anything- so badly she's almost willing to give up the finite amount of self respect she has, who knows she's not ever going to find love, who knows she's not a good mother, who can't seem to pay attention to anything going on except the world in her head (which is growing more complicated by the day), who just wants to pack a bag and leave everything and everyone behind, if only she had the courage, WHO JUST WANTS TO GIVE UP.

I just want to fade away.

and you shall be my victim.

I fully expect you to save me.

I thought you should know.

I have made more than my fair share of mistakes. I guess I should have left some for everyone else. All of my thoughts are just fraudulent emotions. I'm only great in my own weakness. I am a joke (and I'm not laughing.)
Complete lack of capacity for human emotion.
Written and Read. Seen by someone else, known by someone else other than me because my own words are failing me, trying to make me fail and tear me down and cut off my air supply. It’s internal sabotage - I’m positive - subconscious internal sabotage.