...And The Pain Still Hates Me, So Hold Me, Until It Sleeps...

I'm becoming complacent with life,
And it's kind of scary.
But enjoyable at the same time.
I'm learning that it's okay to love what you have,
Even if it's not completely what you want.
Not everything turns out happily ever after,
I'm pretty sure the world would be boring if it did.
The relationships that I do have mean the world to me,
Though they haven't all formed as I had hoped.
And it's okay.
I'm okay.
I'd much rather have the people that I do around me in any capacity
Than not at all.
The little bits of time I spend with them are better than not having them in my life Ever.

I thank you all- you are the reasons I am still here, the reasons that I strive to be better.
When you're not looking, I steal bits and pieces from each of you to piece myself together, to fill in the cracks.
And while I'm still not quite whole, I'm getting there and finding myself.

There's a plague inside of me, Eating at my disposition, Nothing's left

2 day old make up
And 25 year old dreams
You make think you can see me
But nothing's as it seems.

I live mostly as an open book
But many things are hidden
You'll have to read between the lines
To find the truth within.

We're human shapes burned on concrete walls, These days the sun don't shine here anymore...

Some days, there's nothing left to give but honest words,
And what little of myself I have left to sacrifice.
I hide away in my 10x10 cell and let the world revolve without me.
No one notices I'm not there.
I can try to make an appearance, and I'm in the way
I can't give them what they want, because they've already drained me.
I'm told I'm selfish for being upset.
So I exist on water and sleep alone,
So everyone else has what they need.
No chance to be self-serving when everyone else is in need.
I don't even get the comfort of dreams anymore.
Sleep is for everyone else,'s
No matter how tired I get.
If they wanted my blood, I'd probably puncture the wound myself,
Just to get them to leave me alone.

Everywhere I turn, someone wants something from me.
All I want to do is let these tears fall,
But I might disrupt someone else's smile, so I hold them in.

My thoughts are all I have left that are all mine.
And, as scattered as they are,
I gladly share them with you.

And Everyone Wonders Why I Let My Dreams Fade Away With The Morning Light...

Not pretty enough
Not smart enough
Not tall enough
Not thin enough
Not talented enough
Not quiet enough
Not girly enough
Not organized enough
Not sane enough
Not friendly enough
Not compassionate enough
Not outgoing enough
Not focused enough
Not attentive enough
Not good enough

Too lazy
Too messy
Too tomboyish
Too daydreamy
Too fat
Too loud
Too wild
Too inattentive
Too random
Too strange

When you've heard these things almost every day of your life, even when you're hoping for something good to happen, it's hard not to believe them.
Thanks for all of the non encouragement, and tearing me down just a little further than I already was today.

I wonder how many times she's heard this...


She's not a size 2, she has more tattoos than I do, she's gone through a lot of what I have, and she's still come out on top. I don't know how she's done it.

Don't pull me down, this is where I belong, I think I'm different, but I'm the same and I'm wrong

Eyes burining red.
A sign of the restless night before.
Where answers were searched for,
But nothing was found.
Questions of past decisions
Battled new found peace of mind.
Former mistakes cause me to be
Held in this isolated state.
Trying to find a pious place
Something to fill my incomplete soul.